A few months after Glenn died so suddenly, I had a tattoo of his very distinctive signature put on the top of my foot. (Knowing my mother would be horrified at me having a tattoo, I always made sure to wear socks when I visited her!) Episcopal priests, and Anglican priests, use their first initial or name, with a plus sign after it it. It is not a cross, but a plus sign. It is a throwback from the Reformation as a secret sort of symbol that the person was a member of the Church of England. My tattoo says, G+ and is followed by a semi- colon., done in red that symbolizes my belief in the Resurection. The semi-colon is my metaphor for, " My life has paused, but it will continue."
My life did pause...for quite awhile. During that time I worked on building a life and a home for myself, and becoming accustomed to the new normal that was thrust on me. Everything was different; there were no more his and her house duties- they were all mine. I did things around here I never knew I could do. I readjusted my thinking to saying "my" instead of"ours". I bought a car, a hot tub, redecorated my home and did things I never dreamed I could do, such as scuba diving in Mexico, and attending social events and family events by myself.
Crazy as this sounds, I've learned so much. Watching Glenn die 30 minutes after he complained of a stomachache was horrifying and traumatic, and I worked hard to heal the PTSD I had from that event. It was not often easy, but I was blessed with the best friends and family anyone could ask for. Relationships between acquaintances and friends alike became deep and life- bonding. I got to know my children and their spouses as adults and cherished friends.I found out I'm a lot stronger than I thought. I know myself now, my strengths and weaknesses, better than I ever have before. I learned that tomorrow is another day and that life is short,unpredictable, and meant to be lived fully.
As most of you know, as I came out the other side of this time, I was blessed and graced to find love again, in a most unlikely place, with my first love, my high school/early college boyfriend. What we have discovered is new, wonderful and magic, made even more special by knowing each other as friends for all these years. We aren't the same "kids" we were...life has scarred us, but it makes the love all that much more sweet.
Today at school, several friends joked that tonight was my "last night" of independence, because Jon is due to arrive tomorrow afternoon, for good. No more tearful airport goodbyes, or counting the "sleeps" until we are together again.
So tomorrow I will stock my refrigerator with real food again and await his arrival that signifies the start of our life together, full of both the mundane and the sublime.
Yes. My life paused. And now it starts again.
And I am so ready.
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