It's a mystery

When my daughter Emily was young she was fascinated with the things in stories or tales that couldn't easily be explained. She used to say, " It's a MYSTERY Mom", with a very serious expression.

When she was five, her younger brother was born. The night before he was delivered, I kissed her goodnight and promptly went into the other room and cried inconsolably. Why? Because I was certain...certain..that I could never love another child as much as I loved her, and I was dismayed at what was to become of this poor helpless baby that was to be born the next day.  Guess what? He was born the next afternoon and my heart practically burst with joy and love for him instantly. And I didn't feel one iota less love for Emily either. In fact, my heart just grew bigger with love for them both.

 " It's a mystery Mom" indeed.

Love. Such a powerful emotion and yet it has only one word to describe the various feelings attached to it.  We tell our best friends we love them, and we do, but certainly with a different meaning than we tell our beloved, or our children . We even  use the word "love" to express fondness of certain activities or foods. "I love Twizzlers!"

But the many uses and meanings of the word love is not the real reflection here.  The reflection is about the mystery of the emotion, and how I've realized that it is an infinite and powerful gift.

When Glenn died so suddenly, I remember telling Misty and Melissa that I was never going to fall in love again, because I didn't want to risk another loss. It was too painful. Instead I spent the time learning to love myself, and learning to live by myself and for myself..

And yet, here I am, in love again.

"It's a mystery Mom." For sure.

But just as my love for Emily didn't diminish when baby Chris was born, neither does the love that I had for Glenn take away from the new love that is blossoming into a beautiful and and very joyful relationship which pleases my soul everyday.

Today I reached for something in my medicine cabinet and noticed Glenn's toiletry items, still on the top shelf, as was everything else in his life. I took them down to dispose of them, but before I did I took a quick whiff of his Polo aftershave. The tears welled up in happy, yet sad memories of a life cut short.

And that paradox, of remembering the past with love and yet living in the present with new love, is what I've been thinking about all day. One doesn't diminish the other, in fact it just causes the feelings of the  heart to grow larger.

Wow. Powerful stuff.

The human capacity for infinite feelings of  love, and resilience from loss is truly a gift. A grace filled gift.

Yes Emily...It's a mystery...

A beautiful mystery as I
Continue the journey.