Wow...I haven't written anything here for a long time. Life is busy...making a new home, marriage and a very busy but rewarding job. Not much time for reflection these days. But that is what a break is for!
I'm feeling so grateful tonight...Christmas Eve...for so many things. Of course mostly this new life I've been granted. It still amazes me.
Tonight we went to a large Episcopal church with my son and his wife, much like the one I grew up in in suburban Milwaukee. My mom was a church organist, and Christmas Eve was filled with her music. She always gave a concert before the 11:00 service for which I was the assigned page turner. She would plan for it for most of the year and would top it off with Brandenburg's concerto in D minor. (Think Phantom of the Opera) The service would be full of all the old traditional hymns which I sang lustily next to my father who would jokingly say that he was making a "squeaky" noise to the Lord. Being there was like a big celebration with everyone you knew so well all dressed up,celebrating together and staying up really late.
My dad's been gone for 7 years(!) and my mom for about a year and a half. Glenn has been gone for 3 Christmas seasons. Last year I didn't attend church...Jon had just moved to Brainerd and we were still getting settled. At church today the opening hymn began and as I sang next to my husband with the wonderful bass voice, I completely fell apart. Memories of childhood and adulthood with my parents at Christmas Eve service and all the years of watching Glenn celebrating at the altar hoping it would end soon so we could get home and open presents with the kids. Memories of Jon's dad who I knew in high school, his late wife who I never knew, but who didn't deserve to die so young...it all hit me at once. My loving husband intuitively knew where I was coming from, gave me his hanky and a hug and Chris, my son, moved a little closer to me. I recovered with an immense sense of gratitude for growing up with such strong traditions that were positive, and for the years I spent knowing what clergy go through at Christmas. I felt all of their loving presences holding me close, and I knew that it was all okay.
And of course I lost it again it again at Silent Night, but then I've done that since my Grandpa died in the '70's.
I left with a heart so full of love for those who are gone but remain in the front of my heart forever, for all they gave me while alive. May they rest in peace. They sent me the message tonight to continue to live and love every moment I am on this earth.
Which brings me to my final realization of gratefulness. For all of you who have touched my life on this journey; and for my children...Emily, Chris and their spouses Paul and Rianna, my grandsons Henry and Ryan, my siblings Laurie and Chris, and their spouses Paul and Neva, my inherited mother Doris Kavanaugh and siblings Paul and Peter Kavanaugh and his partner Susan Clarke.
My biggest gratitude that still brings me to tears is for my husband Jon Kavanaugh...I'm crying as I write this because he is such evidence of God's grace in my life. I truly believe he was heaven sent to me from those who are gone but who loved me while on earth. I treasure every moment with him.
And so my friends, may you stop for a moment in this time and give thanks for the people in your lives...gone and present.
Merry Christmas.
