These have been hard weeks at at my new teaching job. It is such a paradox. After teaching all these years, I know the big picture of what to do but not the details. I know how to manage a group of students, but until yesterday I had no idea how to use some of the technology. I was used to using something similar, but this is just that much different from what I had before. It's like being caught up in a world that is familiar, yet brand new. And it makes my head very full.
Last Sunday night I finally broke down and had a big cry fest on Jon's shoulder. You know, the big ugly cry that you can only do with someone who loves you unconditionally. The kind where your eyes swell and your nose turns a bright red. It was cathartic.They were tears of grief over the loss of all that was familiar and my dear friends, and tears that had never been shed for all the changes in my life over the last year, and before.
I needed to let my big girl panties slide down and cry. And then I pulled them back up and got back to it. And the week went well (other than the day I copied the wrong worksheet to go with the PowerPoint I had planned...my experience let me punt...)
But this is what my post is about. If you've followed this blog and my previous one that followed my journey through unexpected widowhood,(allisonderby.blogspot.com) you will know that ever since Glenn died so suddenly, I've really come to believe that the veil is very thin between what I believe is heaven, and our earthly life here.
I've had very little rest this week because I kept having these VIVID dreams of my mom and dad, Glenn, Jon and the kids, all mixed together. But the significant part of my dreams is that the people who have left my world all had a conversation about my new life in them with me, and how they all thought that I made the right decision. Not fleeting images, but real dreams and conversations...(one way of course.) As dreams go, it was all mixed up and convoluted and my parents were in perfect health which hadn't been true for more than ten years. At one point in a dream Glenn was with Jon...weird stuff. It was discombobulating. Comforting in one way, and upsetting in another.
Last night I slept dreamlessly and soundly. And I realized in a text with an old friend tonight that I referred to a procedure at my new school as what "we" do....not "they" do. I noticed the change in my thoughts. Significant. Confidence given from above?
Making a new life, moving on, honoring those who helped me get here-both living and gone. And for my new friends who have picked up the gauntlet to help me on this new path...thank you from the bottom of my heart.
Grateful.
It's a all part of this new journey.
