One lesson I learned, or inherited from my parents and my upbringing, was how to act and react in different situations. In teaching,we refer to it as possessing "social skills."
I'm reflecting tonight on the fact that this is the first time in my life where I don't exactly know HOW to act or behave. I'm just kinda stumbling through, much like the students we pick out who haven't learned the social skills necessary for poise in public.
This was my last day with kids at my beloved Forestview, and tomorrow I get my token plant at our staff breakfast and will hit the road sometime in the morning. The end is here. And yet a happy new life for me is just beginning. It is a paradox of emotions.
The last week or so, as the clock started ticking down towards tomorrow, when I say goodbye to my colleagues and some very beloved friends, I've felt confused and out-of-place. I haven't been sure whether to let my emotions flow, and risk looking like a drama queen, or to treat it off- handedly by saying, "Okay- see ya later!", or by avoiding the goodbyes all together. I confess that for a charm school graduate, I've handled it very poorly. And I know it.
We uprooted my kids at 16 and 10 and moved them to this town 500 miles away from everything familiar in 1998, because we knew it was what we were to do. If you had asked me then if I thought I'd still be here 17 years later, I would have laughed. If you had told me I would drive to Bemidji every day for two years to fulfill a dream, I wouldn't have believed you. If you had told me then that I would work with and play with friends who would become my family, I would have laughed as well. It struck me today that when we came here, I was the same age as my friends Misty and Melissa, who I consider to be young. Who would have known that my children would stay in Minnesota as adults, and that I would live in three homes, bury my father, my mother- in-law, my husband and my mother during my tenure here? And that I would build a whole new life for myself in this home after all that loss? Not me, that is for sure.
None of that happened in an isolated vacuum. Everytime life threw something at me, my friends and workmates were with me as I grew and developed into the person I've become.
As I write this I'm realizing my dear friends here are probably in the same paradox that I am. On one hand they rejoice that I've found love, that I will be with my family and watch them grow more closely, and wish me all the best. On the other hand, life will change for them too, as a member of their "family" flies the nest.
And so, I guess nothing can quite prepare you for knowing how to say goodbye in this situation, because there is so much more than that to say. I want to say thank you to every single person who helped me heal and grow along the way, but the words don't express it enough, so I've said nothing. I want to tell each one of them that I love them dearly and will always hold them close to my heart, but again, it's hard to say that without appearing melodramatic. I want to assure them that things will remain the same, but I am old enough to know that although my relationships here will continue in a " new normal", it won't be the same, but I'm afraid to voice that. And so again I've said nothing. No, I've not handled this very well, but sometimes lately a hug is the most I can muster.
So I say it here, to everyone who has touched my life so profoundly while on this sojourn in this silly little beautiful town that has became my home. Thank you from the bottom of my soul for your caring and loving friendships, filled with fun and laughter. I love you all dearly and you will always be in my heart. We will find our new normal, please know that.
See ya later is so shallow. Only goodbye says it well enough. Good- bye Brainerd and my dear ones. And yeah...I'll see ya' later.
